The Plight of Tottenham Hotspurs

A quick summery I did recently of the plight of a certain North London football club. It's something I whipped out for the Premier League Owl website, and I feel it's worth sharing with you chaps and chapettes!

Imagine the Premier League as a student house party, and its teams as the guests. Man Utd would be the smarmy, self assured hosts gloating at how well they can host a party; Man City the pretty rich boy looking to upstage the hosts, and at this particular party it is Wolves who are now in A & E having their stomach pumped.

    But what role in this analogy is there for Spurs? Undoubtedly they are the geek who convinces themselves that this will be the night they finally get lucky. They make all the right moves, dress in the right clothes, send out all the right signals, but by the time everyone else has grabbed the last taxi home with a pretty girl on their arm Spurs remain alone, and doomed to another lonely night with a hangover to contend with in the morning.

    This season has been a particularly cruel hootenanny for the North London team. After all, it started so brilliantly for them. After an early wobble they threw themselves into the festivities with great gusto. They played with zip, flair and confidence, and watched on from a position of smugness as their London rivals uncharacteristically spluttered and stalled. The big problem, however, was that with the summit in sight the team suddenly realised that they hadn’t brought a safety harness. So when their foothold began to crumble there was nothing to stop their plummet downwards like Wile E Coyote, with their rivals watching their descent like incredible smug roadrunners.

     What cause could there be for the team that showed such promise to have crashed so spectacularly? Many will see at the departure of a furrowed browed Italian from a certain managerial position as the key factor. Redknapp strenuously denies this, as well he might, but even so he must be looking to Wembley Stadium with pound signs in his eyes. Fans will also point the finger at some questionable refereeing decisions, like Balotelli’s silent but deadly stamp on Parker at the Etihad, not to mention the goal-that-never-should-have-been in the recent FA Cup Semi Final, an event that must have had Sepp Blatter cackling against the lightning streaked sky from his cliff top castle.

     Or maybe it’s simply a case of Spurs lacking the experience to maintain a consistent challenge. Their players are talented undoubtedly, capable of playing at speed with the ball on the ground, Modrić and Parker prowling the midfield, Bale and Lennon zipping down the flanks before Adebayor and Van Der Vaart apply the finishing battering ram. Trouble is, Spurs don’t really have a plan B, and when players either fail to perform or are injured, those that remain don’t know what to do next. The team as a whole has relied too much on their midfield for their goals, and lack a Van Persie-esque striker to reward their creative play with the goals it deserves. The fact that Spurs have the worst record at scoring from corners in the league is a telling statistic.

    But Spurs’ problems will only increase should they fail to reach fourth. Last summer Redknapp took on a Del Boy persona, reassuring players that wanting to leave that ‘next year, we’ll be millionaires.’ He convinced the likes of Modrić to stay on that promise, but if he were to go to England and Spurs not qualify for the Champions League, would they stick around or would they be seen running for the nearest Barcelona and Chelsea coloured Robin Reliants.

    There has been the decided whiff of old fashioned sitcom about Spurs’ season, the characters acting on a promise of greater things before it all dissolves into chaos. All is far from lost though. Should they win their last four games (which on paper are all winnable), then their season may yet end happily depending on other results. After all, every geeky student ends up getting lucky eventually.    

Kid Icarus Uprising - Review

It was a pair of quite pleasant dilemmas that Nintendo had to deal with a couple of years back. Firstly, do they let Masahiro Sakurai, a hugely talented man with a fantastic imagination, loose on a fresh project or shackle him to the Smash Bros series where they are guaranteed gazillions of dollars? Secondly, what to do with Kid Icarus, a cult classic franchise with a popular following but one which had been gathering dust for two decades? It was a dilemma that Nintendo consolidated into one, easy to manage solution, by giving Sakurai the green light to spearhead a revival of the long dormant series. And by Palutena, what a good decision this was.

     Kid Icarus Uprising is a game brimming with confidence, bubbling with charisma and crammed with so much content it’s surprising that the cartridge isn’t the thickness of a Jane Austen novel. The temptation with a new adventure for Pit would to turn it into a Zelda clone, but instead what we a presented with is a game that very much forges its own identity. Taking only the characters and setting from the early games, the gameplay is its own beast; Arcady in feel, but concealing a huge amount of depth.

    The story is split into chapters, with each of these split in half. You start with an on-rails aerial battle in which you simply blast the living hell out of everything that moves while avoiding enemy’s attempts to do the same. These sections are frantic and there is rarely a let up in the action. Once Pit’s flying time is up (with a convenient plot device to explain why he even has to land), it’s onto the ground for some shooting, dodging and melee based japery. The pace slows in these sections, but the intensity remains high and there’s rarely a moment things dull down, though sometimes these sections go on for a little too long. At the end of each chapter await a nice variety of boss battles, providing some great set pieces. But the game does not rigidly stick to these constraints, and mixes things up on the odd occasion to keep things fresh. It’s a system that suits the games perfectly, making it a perfect adventure to be completed in short bursts as opposed to in a couple of long sittings.

     The story at first seems like little more than an excuse to update the cast and crew of the first game for the 21^st century, with numerous bosses and enemies making appearances with snazzy new designs. But then begins a series of plot twists that come out of nowhere with little precedent. This could be accused of being lazy storytelling, but it means that you begin each chapter with genuine little idea as to what you will encounter next. But it is the characters that truly shine, with Pit, Palutena and a menagerie of further deities prattling away while the action is taking place. They blabber, they jest, they bicker and they mock, usually at Pits expense. This should be annoying, but instead it’s a delight. This is because the panto-esque script never dips below the ‘tolerable’ level and often shoots up into the excellent category. The character interaction is well thought out and they break the fourth wall gleefully. They are all too aware they are characters in a video game, with references to hand holding, difficulty levels, loading screens and other Nintendo franchises. There are genuinely funny moments to boot, not laugh out loud perhaps but enough to make you smile knowingly to yourself.

     Less likely to make you laugh is the much talked about controls. Reminiscent of ‘Metroid Prime Hunters,’ you control the 3DS with your left hand and use the L-trigger to blast away while moving Pit with the control stick. In the flying sections you aim using the stylus on the touch screen, but in the walking sections it fullfills the role of a second analogue stick, moving the camera via sweeps left and right with the stylus, ‘like spinning a globe,’ as Pit helpfully describes it. This takes some getting used to, and it is bound to put some people off. However it is worth persisting with, particularly when the controls and sensitivity are all customisable. After adapting and learning to the controls it is difficult to envisage just how else this game could have been controlled, with the only legitimately bad controls coming in the vehicle driving segments (curse you Exo-tank!”) The games content keeps you coming back for more, and there is always more room for improvement and bettering your score.   

     The story in itself is enough to keep you occupied for a good few hours, but then we get to the extras. Sakurai once again takes the kitchen sink approach that he did in Smash Bros, and applies a similar stratagem to the unlockable bits. The most compelling is a weapon fusion system which allows you to fuse any two weapons you find or own into a more powerful one. This is a deceptively deep exercise, not only having to choose which weapon you want or how much damage it does, but also whether it excels best as a melee or a ranged weapon, or what extra attributes will survive the fusion process. With weapons and skills in abundance, you’ll constantly revisit old levels on higher difficulties in order to pick up more powerful weapons, which can be fused to make insanely powerful weapons.

    And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are plenty of trophies to be won via a strange egg toss minigame, an impressive soundtrack to be unlocked, and a series of treasure maps that serve as the games achievement system, providing you with stuff that’s worth unlocking as opposed to brainlessly adding to a meaningless gamer score. It even makes use of the 3DS’s Spotpass system, allowing you to create weapon gems that can be picked up when passing fellow 3DS users in the street. Not much use when living in Easingwold, but a nice touch nonetheless.

     And finally we come to the multiplayer. Based solely on the ground based battles of the single player, there are two main modes to choose from. An all out brawl till the time runs out, or an intriguing last man standing concept whereby once a team has lost enough points one member becomes an angel and joins the fray all souped up. But once the angel has been defeated, it’s match over. It’s a very barebones multiplayer, with only two modes and no option of co-op, but it’s fun and simple to play, operating at a buttery smooth frame rate despite a truly hectic amount of action taking place onscreen. If the online for the next Smash Bros takes heed from this game then we are in for a treat indeed.          

    Rarely we see a game that offers such a complete package, but Kid Icarus Uprising offers plenty of value for your buck. But value and content is pointless when the game itself is not fun to play. So it is fortunate that this title is a delight from start to finish. You play each chapter with a knowing smirk, recognising the references and enjoying the quips, with the addictive gameplay keeping you come back for more.

    Pit certainly took his time to return properly to the video gaming scene, but it was worth the wait. Games with this level of charm and humour are a rarity in an industry that can sometimes take itself too seriously. We can only hope that it doesn’t take a further twenty five years for Pit to bring a little bit of light to the industry once again.