When Santa saved the President's daughter

A quick seasonal treat I whipped out. A little something involving Santa going all Rambo as he get's involved in the old, 'They've kidnapped the President's daughter,' ploy. The names of Santa's elves are actually based on the names given to them by the tourist company that took me and my family to Lapland a couple of years ago.

Anyway happy reading, and Merry Christmas to you all!

When Santa saved the President’s daughter

Santa felt his stomach rumble as it digested his 11,356,909^th mince pie of the night, his head slightly woozy from the 11,356,909^th glass of sherry. Yet neither sensation dimmed the happiness he felt in his heart. Christmas Eve once again, his favourite night of the year. Once again he was halfway across the globe, far from his cosy fireplace at the North Pole, delivering presents to all the good little boys and girls. He gave the reins an enthusiastic tug, and his reindeer snorted in approval as they galloped across the sparkling night sky.

     “Elf Snowy Bowy to Santa, come in please,” a high pitched voice crackled over the radio.

     “Evening Snowy Bowy!” Santa replied heartily. “Tell the missus to get the curry ordered. I’m making record time tonight!”

    “Well about that. You may want to listen to the call Speedy Sam intercepted a few minutes ago.”

    Santa pressed a button on his state of the art radio receiver he had recently installed into his sleigh, changing the frequency as his elves replayed the message. He soon heard a man speaking on the phone, their voice malicious, dastardly and downright unchristmassy. “Evening Mr President. Are you wondering why your daughter Angie failed to make her flight this evening? Here, I’ll let her explain it for you...”

    “Hlllpp mmmm dddd!”

     “Hope you can understand her through all the tape I put over her lips. If you want her to live to see another Christmas, you will do exactly what we want. We will contact you with our list of demands shortly.” With that the line went dead.

    Santa was filled with a fury that burned more intense than any fireplace. How dare they kidnap the President’s daughter and use her to hold the country hostage...ON CHIRSTMAS EVE! The cheek of it all!

    He made up his mind, and with a crack of the reigns he made the reindeer change direction. “Trace that call Snowy Bowy!” he instructed down the radio. “I’ve got a seasonal holiday to save!”

       Angie tugged at the tape wrapped around her wrists, fixing them to the arms of the chair she was sat in. Whimpering through the tape over her mouth she gazed anxiously at the balaclava clad men prowling through the abandoned warehouse where she was being held. She watched as two of these men walked over to the ringleader, also wearing a balaclava but well over six feet tall. The men wrung their hands nervously, until one cleared their throat and squeaked, “Excuse me boss.”

    “What is it Henchman 3?” the Boss asked exasperatedly.

    “Well it’s just, you know, we all put a lot of effort in to this plot of yours. You know, grabbing the girl at the airport and duping the secret services...”

     “Is this going anywhere Henchman 3?”

     “Well me and the lads were thinking...well...can we have a Christmas bonus?”

    The Boss’s eyes glared at the men through his Balaclava, before he roared, “A bonus?!?”

    The second man quickly interjected, “Not if you don’t want to, but it is Christmas Eve, and my kid would really like one of those Iphones, and they’re expensive on a henchman’s salary...”

     “Silence Henchman 5! We’ll discuss this in more detail once the President has complied with my demands. Now get back to patrolling your post around the chimney!”

     Henchman 3 and Henchman 5 looked at each other in confusion. “What chimney boss?” Henchman 3 asked.

    “For the love of...That one right there!” the Boss snapped, pointing directly behind them.

    Henchman 5 gulped as he looked at the old fashioned brickwork chimney in the centre of the warehouse, with a roaring fire lighting the surrounding area and stockings hanging from the mantelpiece. “You mean the old fashioned chimney that’s just appeared out of thin air?” he asked tentatively.

   The henchmen all gathered around the chimney in astonishment, wondering how and why a chimney stack could be brought into existence in the blink of an eye. As soot started falling from it they took a tentative step back, before raising their rifles towards the fireplace, preparing for whatever might emerge from within it.

    Suddenly a thick cloud of grey ash billowed from the chimney, completely coating the area with an impenetrable cloud of dust, completely limiting their vision. They coughed and spluttered as they breathed in the ash, which allowed them all to be picked off one by one by a large shadowy figure as it moved effortlessly through the dark smoke.

    Angie, the Boss, Henchman 3 and Henchman 5 all stood outside the cloud, watching and listening in amazement as the cries of the stranded criminals were one by one silenced by a dull thudding sound. The two henchmen loaded their guns, wondering just what kind of person they were dealing with.

    They got their answer swiftly as out of the smoke walked a jolly fat man dress all in red and white. His white beard was bushy and thick, in each hand he held a sharpened candy cane, and he wore night vision goggles over his eyes.

    “Ho ho ho,” Santa snarled through the cigarette in his mouth, glaring at the three criminals gawping at him.

    Henchman 3 and Henchman 5 lost their nerve and fired their semi automatic rifles. But Santa was ready for their attack, and countered it with a magical wink. The two men could only watch as instead of bullets, they fired corks attached to string, which shot forward before dangling uselessly from the end of their rifles. Santa retaliated swiftly, hurling the candy canes at Henchman 5. Each sweet caught the sleeves of his jacket, and momentum dragged him back against the wall of the building. The canes embedded themselves into the brickwork, pinning the startled goon by his arms and leaving him helpless.

   Henchman 3 ran forward to attack, but quick as a flash Santa prepared his next trick. From a holster in his belt he withdrew a child’s water pistol and fired. Henchman 3 was coated in so much water that he was dripping wet. Then with another magical wink a fierce arctic wind whipped up, rattling the window panes of the warehouse until they shattered. A torrent of snow and ice flew in and engulfed the hapless criminal. His drenched clothes started to crystallize and freeze, until Henchman 3 was trapped in a giant snowballs placed on top of each other like a snowman, with only his head poking free.    

    Santa heard a muffled shriek, and whirled around to see the Boss with his arm wrapped around Angie’s neck, pressing a knife against her cheek. “Not another move Pere Noel, or the girl gets carved up like a Christmas goose!” he sneered.

    “Hhhlllpp pplllsss!” Angie pleaded; her eyes wide with fear as they stared at her would be rescuer.

     Santa paused, not wanting to alarm the Boss with any sudden movements, silently muttered into the mic pressed into his right ear, “Snowy Bowy, send in Red Rascal!”

    “Don’t try anything funny Chris Cringle!” the Boss barked.

    Santa glared at him with a look of righteous, Christmassy fury. “No-one calls me Chris Cringle and gets away with it, except for my wife and Gloria Taylor, who I dated in my senior year of high school!”

     “What can you do about it? You’ve got no tricks left, surrender now!”

    At the sound of jingling bells from outside, Santa’s frown turned into a smile. “Sorry, but I don’t surrender to boys on the naughty list. NOW RED RASCAL!”

    At his command a galloping reindeer flew through the already shattered window, its hooves clattering against the floor as it came into land. The reindeer stood proud and tall as it gazed at the Boss, its nose glowing a fierce red, which gradually became fiercer and fiercer until the entire room was bathed in its dazzling radiance. The Boss cried out as the light hurt his eyes, falling away from Angie. This allowed Santa, his eyes protected by the night vision goggles, to dart across and shield her eyes with his gloved hands.

    Turning to face the dazzled crook Santa exclaimed, “Funny thing about Rudolph, is that he’s got a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it...”

   “BURNS!” the Boss howled. “The light, it burns my eyeballs!” He stumbled backwards, closer and closer to the broken window until he caught his foot and toppled over. With an anguished cry he fell through the window, tumbling out of sight.

    Until he suddenly bounced back up again, then fell down again, then bounced up, then fell. Santa ran over to the window to see the boss being propelled up off an enchanted bouncy castle, placed there by none other than elves Speedy Sam and Noisy Nod. They saluted Santa from the ground below, which Santa returned thankfully. “That should keep you occupied until the police arrive!” He bellowed triumphantly at the Boss.”

    “I’ll get you for WEEEEEEEE this Santa. Just you WEEEEEEEE wait!” the Boss yelled, unable to decide whether he was enjoying the enchanted bouncy castle or engulfed by rage.

     Santa turned to see Rudolph had already sheared the tape binding Angie to the seat with his antlers. She stood up tentatively, pulling the tape away from her mouth. Then when sure she was now safe she ran forward and embraced Santa’s jolly red form tightly. “Thank you so much Santa, how can I ever thank you?” she asked happily.

    “Saving the damsel in distress and preserving the joy of Christmas, is all the thanks I need,” Santa beamed at her.

      When she pulled out of her embrace she had a slightly nervous look on her face. “Er, about that naughty list. Those plants I smoked at College, I like had no idea what they would do, I swear.”

    “Given your ordeal I think I can overlook it. Let’s get you home. Come Rudolph!”

    The red nosed reindeer snorted in approval, cantering over to them boisterously. Santa aided Angie as she sat up on Rudolph’s back, before he sat down behind her and took hold of the reigns. “To the White House Rudolph, and with all due speed!” he yelled.

    Rudolph reared onto his hind legs, before he began charging to the window as he prepared for takeoff. Then with a mighty leap he was airborne, carrying the whooping Angie and Santa into the crisp Christmas Eve air. They flew through the night in the direction of Washington, and I can assure you all that from that point on they all had a very merry Christmas.

    Apart from when they were shot at by the FBI. But that’s a story for another year.  

Copyright Michael Foster 2012

The Legend of Zelda - Skyward Sword - Review

The Zelda series is one that does not need a complete overhaul. Given the major aesthetic changes and time span between each instalment, every new title manages to feel fresh, yet remain comfortingly familiar. It’s like each time you prep Link for a new adventure, you’re slipping into a favourite pair of comfortable old shoes. But perhaps the one thing Nintendo had to do with Zelda is reintroduce a sense of surprise.

        Each home console Zelda since the famous Ocarina of Time has followed a very familiar pattern. Start out from humble beginnings, explore the new overworld, beat some baddies, have a massive plot twist, beat some more baddies, job done. While it is a system that has served the series very well in the past, it led many to wonder whether Nintendo would ever dare to stray away from the formula again. Their questions have been swiftly answered, as Skyward Sword is more than simply stepping into a favourite pair of comfortable shoes. It’s stepping into a pair of comfortable shoes which have recently been resoled, washed and made as good as new.

      Things start out familiarly enough, with an unsuspecting Link waking up from a terrifying nightmare and made to scrabble about his hometown completing various tasks. At the same time we are introduced to the most vibrant cast of characters to have graced Link’s world since Majora’s Mask, such as the legend that is Groose. Heading them up is Zelda herself, this incarnation of her a playful, adventurous and energetic adolescent, a popular village girl as opposed to a pampered princess, with an obsession for pushing Link off of high ledges. The opening takes a while, much like Twilight Princess, but is much more enjoyable thanks to some witty dialogue and good pacing between the tasks.

     Before long you can take to the skies in your Loftwing, and the overworld is yours to explore. The sky is similar to the Great Sea in The Wind Waker, but much more condensed. At the centre of all of this is Skyloft, a hub where you can carry out all your shopping and sidequesting in one convenient place. Again, not since Majora’s Mask has a town in Zelda been so central to the plot, and felt so alive as a result. A pity the rest of the sky is filled mostly with floating barren rocks which only become filled with treasure once special cubes have been activated on the surface.

   It is the surface where the greatest changes to the tried and tested Zelda system come into play. It is split into three distinct and diverse regions, each with their own enemies, puzzles and populace. Devoid of human habitation, it truly feels like you are treading ground no-one has walked before. It’s like you’re experiencing the genesis of the Zelda universe, and the world underneath the clouds is an Eden in need of a hero. In gameplay terms, they serve as precursors to the traditional Zelda dungeons, presenting you with plenty of travelling, puzzles and combat before the main course of the dungeons is reached.

    The combat has been talked of the most in preceding hype, with the motionplus controls offering what many of us dreamed we would see when the Wii was first unveiled. By and large, it works very well. It takes a long while to get used to, and in the early stages you are tempted to resort to wild and futile waggling, with the game punishing you for doing this. With many enemies relying on precise swipes of your sword, you have to learn to be patient, and take your time to aim each slice as opposed to expecting the game to sort your problems out for you. The swordplay is very well realised, with glitches very few and far between, and overall immensely satisfying to use. Link’s usual massive inventory is used to maximise motion controls, with mixed results. Items such as the flying beetle and whip work brilliantly. Others do not, for example bombs, where you are presented with the option to throw or roll them on the ground. It should work flawlessly, but it does not, as one slightly frustrating boss battle proves.

     Yet while many expected the controls to provide the surprise needed to keep the series fresh, it is the way the story unfolds that provides the greatest change. The usual pre-dungeon story exposition followed by dungeon routine is pushed to the limit. The lead up to the big monster infested areas feature a variety of perils and solutions, with only a few constants such as the excellent Silent Realm challenges. The dungeons themselves are a mixed bag of standard forest/lava/water temples, and excellent jaunts through time shifting mines and ships stranded on sand dunes. A far cry from the brilliance of Twilight Princesses last few dungeons, but they stand very strongly on their own.

    Nintendo have made a great deal out of the series 25^th anniversary, and you sense they have not forgotten this fact with a game that is jam packed with references to previous titles, some of which only the most diehard fans will recognise. The games story you feel is particularly fan friendly, delving into the events leading up to every prior title, and explaining the circular nature of the Link, Zelda and Ganondorf triangle. You sense other elements have been included to specially cater to fan circles, such as the strongest indications yet of Link and Zelda having the hots for each other. Dialogue once again zips between the witty and the poetic, and while no Zelda is ever going to enter War and Peace territory, it is very enjoyable witnessing the story unfold. Though it is high time the series experimented with voice acting.

    Once again Nintendo radically overhauled the graphical style from the last game, combining the cartoonish graphics from the Wind Waker with the realism of Twilight Princess, and it seems finally Nintendo have hit a style they feel comfortable with. The animations are slick and the locations bright and vibrant. The almost effortless way the characters show emotion and react to each other requires no need for HD graphics, and once again you have to commend Nintendo for making such a beautiful game on dated hardware. The soundtrack, finally featuring a lot of full orchestration, is very strong, with bombastic melodies, haunting ballads and replays of old classics intertwining among each other perfectly.

    You may have noticed that I have referenced previous Zelda’s quite a bit, though that is perhaps to be expected given the weight of the series history pressing down on Skyward Sword’s shoulders. Yet it is a game that manages to tread the line between looking to the future and embracing the past, and it does so with terrific confidence. It does not rewrite Zelda into a completely new game, yet it breaks enough ground to stand apart. The inclusions of a fast item change, a limited number of pouches for additional items, and a comprehensive upgrade and treasure hunting system changes the sense of progression greatly. It adds plenty of additional tasks for you to complete, as well as finally giving you plenty of trinkets to spend your rupees on.

    This is a confident step forward for Zelda, and there is barely a stumble back. It is another fantastic entry into one of the strongest series in gaming, and if future instalments follow its lead then it will remain in rude health for many years. The lack of hype surrounding it is staggering when you consider what a joy it is to play, and I can assure those that fear this is just another Zelda that it is more than that. It is most definitely a Zelda though, and once again presents you an adventure that grips you from beginning to end. Where Link travels to from here no-one but Nintendo knows, but Skyward Sword proves beyond any doubt that no-one else adventures quite like him.  

Continued Conversations

So I came up with a game today. When at work catch a snippet of someones conversation and then try and come up with what might have followed. The parts in bold are actual parts of conversations between customers at the cafe today, which makes them funny in their own right. Hope you enjoy how I've butchered them.

“So the end of the Stravinsky was just wonderful, it was a pure musical kaleidoscope of rhythm and contrasting chords. And the way the brass section built on that incredible crescendo for the climax made my hairs stand on end.”

     “Well thank you Damien for that fantastic suggestion. You’re listening to the all request evening here on Radio One. Up next, Cindi from Essex has requested the entire Bach Brandenburg Concerto No.5, so stay tuned.”

  “So he’s stuck with team happy downstairs from now on.”

   “I thought he was with team indifferent now?”

    “No he thought he was going to them after he finished working with team bashful. He would much rather work for them, though he wouldn’t mind working with team enthusiastic if he was offered a place.”

     “Still could be worse. He could be part of team nonchalant...bunch of sick twats.”

   “What’s your maiden name?”

   “Oh it’s Cornelius.”

    “Bit of a weird name to have had before you got married.”

     “How dare you. I’ll have you known Jane Austen was previously Jane Fitzwilliam before her marriage. Then there’s Emily Bronte, or Emily Benedictus as she previously known. And the great Agatha Christie’s birth name happened to be Agatha Perceville Wilberforce Huntington Smith, I’ll have you known.

    “Ok, ok, you made your point.”

    “He doesn’t know the difference between a mince pie and a Christmas cake.”

    “Is that so, well that is disappointing.”

     “I know Santa, and Elf Snowball had done so well up to that point. I mean he flew through the toy making practical.”

    “I know, but I can only employ the best elves in my workshop, and there’s no place for those that fail the written exam. Still, at least he has the filming of the Hobbit to fall back upon.”

Doctor Who Fic - The Time Thief

It was only a matter of time before I had a crack at a Doctor Who fanfic. Hope I've done a good job.

Frenck knew all about the Amulet of Araftaktik’s mysterious history. He knew full well how the priceless artefact had one day been stolen from where it had been on display, only to be discovered in a private collection two hundred years later. Frenck knew this, because he was the one who was going to steal it.

    He licked his green tinged lips with his forked tongue, watching how the golden amulet glistened in the low light from the blue moon of Arkton. He’d read about this moment in countless accounts and history books, but it was quite another thing to experience it firsthand.

     Raising the Space Time Diffusion Generator attached to his wrist, he aimed the thin barrel at the glass case housing the amulet and fired. It projected an orb of pure time energy, which when it made contact produced a perfect spherical hole in the glass. No damage had been done; rather the area inside the hole had been transported to a period of time where a glass case was not present. This allowed him to simply reach through and grab the amulet, without activating the alarms that would have been set off had he smashed it.

    “Step away from the amulet and put your hands in the air,” a voice shouted from behind him.

    ‘Right on cue,’ Frenck thought, having memorized the details of this robbery in every detail. He knew that at this point two human security guards were stood behind him. Fortunately for him, but not for them, history dictated what would happen next.

    “We have an intruder in the East Wing. Red skin, bald, reptilian skin, possibly Tiktorian,” the security guard spoke into his radio, aiming his plasma pistol directly at the intruder while at his side his colleague did the same

    Frenck simply paused, before saying in a rasping voice, “You dare threaten me? How do you presume to fight the forces of time itself?” Then, not giving the guards a chance to reply, he whirled around, and using his species superior reflexes, fired two time diffusion beams. They hit the guards square in the chest, sending them to the floor with anguished cries. Frenck casually walked over and saw to his satisfaction both men had aged quite considerably, their skin now wrinkled and their hair white as snow.

      Just as in all the history books.

    “Be grateful that I showed you mercy,” Frenck hissed at the two moaning guards. “I only aged you by twenty years. In the past I’ve aged people well over a hundred.”

      Then with a happy cackle, Frenck activated his time diffuser once again on its highest setting. This time it projected a beam of blue light that created a round portal hovering above the museum floor. It was a fold in the continuum of time and space, which when stepped through would allow him to walk from one moment in time to another. Making sure his co-ordinates were set he walked past the swiftly aged humans towards it, grasping the amulet tightly in his clawed left hand.

    He was engulfed by a flash of blue, which was expected. What was unexpected was how, instead of being transported to his single bedroom apartment on the planet Teryar IV, he emerged on the bridge of a spaceship. It was a circular room with raised glass platforms leading to different sections of the ship. The largest glass platform encircled the central console, glowing a gentle blue. It stretched from the floor to the ceiling, and a glass staircase led up to this platform. And staring down at him from the top of this staircase were three humans, two males and a female, with stunned looks on their fleshy pink faces.

    One of the males, with dark hair and a strange fabric wrapped around his neck in a bow shape, gazed at him intensely for a few seconds, before he loudly exclaimed, “And that, Pond, is why I never touch the wibbly lever.”

     Frenck was almost overwhelmed by confusion. He stepped back in order to return through the portal, only to discover it had already sealed shut. He was trapped onboard a strange ship with three humans, a species he had always regarded as the enemy. Deciding that this was the time to show aggression he barked, “Who the Flaktarn are you three?”

    “Now there’s no place for bad language on my ship, except in extreme circumstances, like when you stub your toe,” the dark haired man replied, seemingly left unfazed at the strange arrival on his ship.

     His two companions were a lot more alarmed. “Doctor I don’t understand. Who is this?” asked the woman with flame red hair.

     “Is this something to do with the time knot?” asked the man with short brown hair.

     “I’ll tell you what’s going on here!” Frenck hissed with a flicker of his forked tongue. “I’m going to summon another time dispersion portal and get myself out of here. And I suggest you don’t get in my way.” With that he fired up his time disperser and created another portal. He just had time to hear the man the girl called ‘Doctor’ shout, “No don’t,” before he jumped through. Instantly he was falling through the air, thrashing his arms and legs before landing painfully on his back. He looked up at the ceiling to realise it was the same ceiling as before.

      “Well if you listened to me then you’d have learnt that we can’t just warp our way out of this situation,” the Doctor explained, as his two companions helped Frenck to his feet. “We’ve ended up in a time knot. A part of the Time Vortex congested from the pressure of numerous timestreams pouring into a singularity.”

     “Meaning what exactly?” the brown haired man asked.

     “Well Rory, imagine a river filled with rubber ducks from every period of history. But there’s been a blockage and those poor ducks have nowhere to go. It’s up to us to clear the blockage and let those duckies float free.”

    “What’s your obsession with rubber ducks?” asked Rory.

    “Great companions. One’s never alone when they have a rubber duck,” the Doctor announced.

    Frenck snorted, his purple eyes fixed on the Doctor. “Has anyone ever mentioned you talk utter rubbish.”

    “Quite frequently. And sorry I didn’t catch your name?”

    “Frenck.”

    “If you’d allow me to guess, it’s Frenck of Tiktorians, resident of the planet Teyrar IV. I’m the Doctor, and this is Amy and Rory. Now I want to do something extremely clever and free us all from this situation, but to do that I need to know exactly how you ended up onboard my TARDIS?”

     “As if your miniature human excuse for a brain could begin to understand the complexities of time travel,” Frenck scoffed, showering the TARDIS console with his purple coloured spittle.

    “Well funny thing is...” Amy began, before this Doctor interrupted her with a wave of his hand.

      “...Is that I’ve dabbled a bit in time travel in the past, or future, I forget which is which sometimes. But I‘m clearly not as experienced as you. I don’t suppose you could fill in any gaps in my knowledge?”

     Frenck was sorely tempted to just blast this Doctor and his crew there and then, but the opportunity to show off his knowledge proved irresistible. Why not humour the ignorant humans for a few minutes more? He held up the golden amulet in his hand, and waggled it to ensure they noticed it. “Anyone recognise this?” he bragged.

      The Doctor seemed to recognise it instantly, but tried to hide it. “Well this archaeologist friend of ours once told me about a relic that looked just like that. The Amulet of Araftaktik I think it was.”

     “So you must be aware of how it disappeared for two hundred years,” Frenck hissed, building to a crescendo. “But what if I were to tell you that in reality, it was only ever stolen for a matter of minutes?”

     There was a pause inside the ship, broken by Rory asking, “You mean you stole it?”

     “Indeed,” Frenck bragged. “I stole it just moments ago, and in a few moments more I will have taken it to the future where I can pocket the reward money for recovering it. So you see, I’m just ensuring that history follows the correct course.”

   “Wow, how can my poor little human brain take this?” Amy remarked, sounding very sarcastic.

    “Time doesn’t work like that,” the Doctor said, suddenly sounding a lot sterner.

    “Oh but it does Doctor,” Frenck exclaimed, his gaze flickering from human to human as he assessed what was the best course of action to take next. “This isn’t the first crime I have committed. Throughout history there are countless accounts of thefts and robberies that fit my MO. Once I’ve uncovered one, it’s simply a case of using my time disperser to travel to that time period, and then ensure time runs as planned.”

      “And you’re telling us all this because...?” Rory asked.

     Frenck gave a happy laugh. “So you understand what will happen to you if you get in my way.” Then he made his move. Darting forward he used his superior speed and agility to grab Amy by her waist. He hauled her into his body with her back to him, and before she could begin to struggle or put up a fight he pressed the barrel of his time disperser into her neck.

    Both the Doctor and Rory leapt to Amy’s defence, but dared not move an inch closer once he had pulled his weapon on her. “Let her go now!” Rory bellowed, appearing desperate to save her.

    “Oh fond of this female are we?” Frenck sneered, trying not to gag on the stench of whatever scent this girl had plastered herself in. “Pretty is she? I couldn’t tell; you all look like pink bags of flesh to me. Still, I wonder what she would look like if I were to age her by a couple of decades?”

     “Trust me, you don’t want to do this,” the Doctor warned.

    “Don’t I?” Frenck hissed over the sound of Amy’s panicked breathing. “See, what I want is to get off this ship and back to my own timestream. And you’d better find me a way home soon or my trigger finger might get itchy.”

    “Time travel isn’t simply a case of entering a destination on a sat nav,” the Doctor insisted. “Besides, our biggest problem is escaping this time knot, because otherwise we’ll be stuck here in this single moment for all eternity.”

    Frenck shrugged nonchalantly. “Better get cracking then.”

    The Doctor stared at him, and Frenck eyeballed him back. For a second he thought the neckbow wearing human wasn’t going to back down. But after a few agonising seconds the Doctor began fiddling with the circular control console of his ship, looking for a way out of this situation.

    “So how do we get out of a time knot?” asked Rory, one eye on the doctor and the other on Frenck and his hostage.

    “We have to pull the plug,” replied the Doctor as if it were most natural answer in the world. When he became aware of three pairs of eyes staring blankly at him he elaborated, “Often timeknots are caused by the changing of events so momentous that time has difficulty in catching up.”

    “Well what caused it then?”

    “It could be anything Rory. Britain losing the battle of Waterloo, dinosaurs appearing in Stoke on Trent...” The Doctor trailed off as he took a good long look at the amulet which Frenck continued to hold incredibly tightly. “Or it could be the disappearance of a piece of jewellery regarded as a religious icon by the Araftaktikian Empire, which in turn led to a wave of persecution and bloodshed across five galaxies as the Empire sought to reclaim it.”

     “So you do know of the amulet’s history,” Frenck remarked.

     “I know that by stealing it you will have set off a chain of events resulting in the deaths of countless innocent people,” the Doctor explained coldly. “And the worst part is that you knew that as well, and yet you stole it anyway.”

     “It was always meant to be that way,” Frenck snarled.

     “Does it honestly look that way to you? Time is rushing to catch up with your actions and we’ve got caught in the middle. You weren’t drawn into the TARDIS, the TARDIS was drawn to what you stole. The Amulet of Araftaktik is the plug blocking the flow of time, and until we return it to its proper timewindow we’ll remain stuck here.”

      “You’re wrong Doctor,” Frenck spat, angered by how this mad human was daring to challenge him. “Time follows rules that can be exploited. I am the time thief, and its laws are mine to command.”

    “Yeah, well command this,” Amy barked, giving him a powerful kick to his shin. Frenck exhaled loudly from her surprise attack, and dropped his guard enough for her to break free and wrestle the amulet from his hand. She ran forward while Frenck, snarling with rage, aimed at her with his time disperser. But the Doctor pushed her out the way at the same moment that he fired, the blue orb of time energy hitting him square in the chest. He gave a pained cry as the force of the impact pushed him onto his back.

    “Doctor!” Amy cried, as she and Rory ran over to his inert form. But before they could reach him, Frenck grabbed them both by their necks, throwing them back against the railing surrounding the ship’s console. Winded, both humans gasped for air as they slunk to the floor, while Frenck stood over them changing the settings on his time disperser.

     “Consider your Doctor the lucky one. I only aged him by twenty years,” Frenck remarked with an air of triumph. Then, with the barrel of his weapon pointed towards Rory, he told Amy, “Now if you don’t want to see what your friend looks like when aged by two hundred years, I suggest you hand over the amulet.”

    But before either of them could make a move, an arm suddenly wrapped itself around Frenck’s neck. “Nice trick, but best not to use it on species with a long lifespan,” the Doctor said in his ear, his appearance unchanged by Frenck’s attack.

      Frenck concentrated so hard on trying to wrench the Doctor’s arm that he only saw the metal stick with a green light at the tip when it was too late. The Doctor pressed it against the time disperser causing it to spark and fizz wildly. Frenck howled as these sparks burnt his red, scaly skin, and with a surge of strength he threw the Doctor away from his back. He whirled around to face this interfering human, with the intent on blasting him with the highest setting his time disperser could be set to.

    But the Doctor’s attack had irreparably damaged it, and when Frenck fired he instead was engulfed by a fierce blue light. Dazzled by the brightness and surrounded by silence, he watched as the Doctor, Amy, Rory and the ship’s interior all phased into the shining light. He felt like he was falling through an endless void, down and down and down.

    He landed on his back with another loud thump. Growling in frustration Frenck hauled himself to his feet, and the first thing he saw was a window covered by iron bars, outside of which a fearsome storm raged. He whirled about and saw he had materialised in a prison cell, with thick bars keeping him trapped inside. Feeling sick to his stomach, he realised he’d been transported to the Stormcage. Panicking slightly, he tried reactivating his time diffuser, but it wouldn’t even beep. It was completely dead.

    Frenck froze when he heard footsteps echoing down the stone-walled corridor outside his cell. He poked his head through the bars and saw a human soldier on patrol, whose slow paced march changed into a run when he saw the alien inhabiting a previously empty cell. “Pssst, can you help me human, I’m not supposed to be here. I believe there’s been some kind of mistake,” Frenck asked politely.            

      The human stared at him inquisitively, before activating the list of inmates attached to a communicator strapped to his wrist. Then, with a satisfied smile creeping across the guard’s face he replied, “Actually, Frenck of the Tiktorians, you’re just in time for your trial when it begins in five hours.”

     “What does that mean?” Frenck roared, sounding flabbergasted.

     “The Doctor said you’d turn up round about now. He said he rewired your time diffuser to transport you to this exact position and time. He’s provided enough evidence for us to prosecute you for your crimes.”

    “But, but this is impossible!” Frenck bellowed, rattling the bars of his cell. “I’m the time thief, the laws of time bend to my will. It isn’t supposed to be like this.”

    The guard simply shrugged, before withdrawing a crumpled letter from his back pocket. “He left you this. Said it would explain everything,” he explained casually.

     Frenck eyeballed the guard angrily for a few seconds, before snatching it from his hands. He violently ripped it open with his clawed fingers, and from the envelope pulled a newspaper cutting. The headline read, “Amulet of Araftaktik mysteriously reappears after a two day disappearance.”

    And attached to this article was a green post it note, on which was scrawled in very untidy handwriting, “Time can be rewritten :)”

Zelda's Top Ten

Mr Postman came with a very special package today. My copy of Zelda Skyward Sword, in all its finery. So far so good, even though Zelda games seem to be taking longer and longer to get going with each instalment. Whatever happened to the good old days where you were bashing your way through the first dungeon in a matter of minutes? Still nice to see the game offer up some degree of challenge; the first boss actually killed me once.

   Anyway to celebrate the return of my favourite gaming series, I’m going to indulge in a bit of nostalgia, and list the ten things that make Zelda, to me, a truly unique and celebrated series.

1 Hyrule

The land where Zelda is predominantly based is one of the most unique fantasy settings devised in the modern era. It is a fascinating world that, due of course to the way the game is designed, veers from open plain to arid mountains and then dense forest in only a short walk. Yet you never quite know what you are going to get each time you step out into Hyrule field for the first time. Due to how the landscape is shifted about for each title, the land often feels just as fresh as it did in the previous game.

2 All Creatures Great And Small

It is so easy for fantasy titles to fall back on the standard Tolkien-esque races when trying to fill their expansive setting. It is a credit to Nintendo’s dedication, and indeed their imagination, that they have filled Hyrule with original creatures of their own devising. What Zelda title would be complete without the Gorons or the Zoras? And the number of inhabitants increases with each title, as Nintendo strive to fill the land with as much life as possible.

3 Dungeon Keeping

Everyone has their own preferences when it comes to what they want from Zelda. It is often why the fans are so divided over which game they consider the best. For me the games never quite get going until you reach your first dungeon. Often they start gloomy and enclosed, more often than not in some form of hidden forest temple, but by the end of each title you will have been subjected to a dazzling array of locations, dangers and set pieces provided by each dungeon you clear. And there are no shortcuts. You have to progress as planned, and not once has anyone ever been able to cheat the system.

4 Bosses

This is where Zelda often shines. Finishing off each dungeon with an encounter against a screen sized monster intent on pummelling you into a green tunic wearing pate. Often defeating said beastie will rely on you exploiting their weakspot using the weapon you acquired earlier in the dungeon. Which begs the question, why do bad guys leave amazing pieces of weaponry just lying about in chests? Of course it would be hard to pick a favourite, but stand outs include thwacking the great dragon Volvagia on the head with a massive hammer, turning supersize to deal with the giant insects Twinmold, and careering into the skeletal spine of Stallord on your spinning disc of doom.

5 You Against The World

Rarely do games ever make you feel like a true hero. Where you get the impression that if it wasn’t for you then the whole universe you see on your screen would wither and die. Zelda games always manage to do this. You move from one town to the next, rescuing princesses, slicing up monsters and participating in massive trading sequences, all for the simple reason that if you don’t, no-one else will. There are no NPC’s covering your back, no-one else you can designate a task to. If you fail, it’s all your fault, which makes the sense of achievement all the more potent upon completing a difficult task.

6 The Music

How many iconic themes does this series have again? At least five by now. And that’s not forgetting the countless pieces of music etched into the minds of gamers forever. Gerudo Valley, the Forest Temple, Zelda’s Lullaby, the Song of Storms, Dragon Roost Island, The Dark World, The Hidden Village, and all those overworld themes. It’s a musical feast that sets an incredibly high standard for other series to follow. And Nintendo’s bundling in of the orchestrated soundtrack CD with Skyward Sword was a truly fantastic gift.

7 Three Characters Of Destiny

The trifecta of Link, Zelda and Ganondorf has been the bedrock of the series stories from the beginning. It’s a relationship built on strong fantasy foundations, the young man who grows to become a hero; the young woman destined to rule and constantly targeted by evil because of this, and the power hungry sorcerer desperate to rule by any means necessary. Their relationship is a highly flexible one, with Zelda and Ganondorf often making way for new allies or villains, but without the history between these three characters there would be no legend to tell.

8 Combat

It’s astonishing how far combat in Zelda games has come. From the shield block/sword/shield block/sword of Ocarina of Time we now have a Zelda where combat takes centre stage. Where you actively have to think about how you deal with each enemy as opposed to simply swiping away wildly. Moreover you now find yourself swamped by several enemies at once as opposed to them attacking you one at a time. But it is worth noting that the style of combat in each Zelda is subject to the time of release and the technology it was released on. But it is only now that you truly begin to believe that Link is the master swordsman he is supposed to be.

9 The Many Faces Of Link

The one thing you can’t say about Zelda is that, while the gameplay basically remains unchanged, Nintendo really can’t be accused of not trying new things with the graphics. Each time a new mainline Zelda is released, it comes with the lick of paint applied by a graphical overhaul. Wheeling from the uber cartoony Wind Waker, to the semi-realistic Twilight Princess, and then to Skyward Sword which is a mixture of the two. In a period where realism seems to be a default graphical trend, it is great to see Zelda keep on experimenting, even if it does keep peeing fans off on the odd occasion.

10 Birth Of A Hero

Above all else Zelda sticks to its roots. A modern fairytale reminding us of the pains of growing up and facing the dangers life throws at you. Naturally not everyone in the world will grow up facing goblins and lizardmen (unless they work in banking), but the parable behind it remains strong. Zelda is, and always will be, a coming of age story, teaching us to have the courage to face our troubles down. Pretty strong stuff considering it came from the dayreams of a young boy pretending to be a swordsman, but what an imagination he had.   

Batman Arkham City - Review

Batman stands out among most other superheroes for one simple reason. He isn’t one. There’s no radioactive animal bite, or dip in a bath of chemicals, or abandoned alien child left on earth in his past. He’s simply a pissed off billionaire haunted by the murder of his parents, obsessed with dealing the justice they never got. He does not rely on superpowers, but on his wits, his naturally acquired physical prowess, and his ability to intimidate by making himself seem more powerful than he actually is. These combine to make him a symbol of hope in a city of lawlessness, and to take on criminals much more powerful and dangerous than he.

     Which is why it is perhaps puzzling that it took until 2009’s Batman Arkham Asylum for him to star in a truly brilliant videogame. Sneaking around, picking off victims one by one before an almighty brawl where you are totally outnumbered are scenes very much associated with video gaming as well as Batman. The game’s excellent freeflow combat system, combined with fantastic set pieces where you pick off heavily armed goons one by one, and a fantastic cast of Batman villains with unique takes on their classic designs, almost effortlessly came together into what was surprisingly one of the best games of that year. You felt exhilaration sneaking up on a goon from behind, and breathless as you traded punches with one muscled henchman to the next. Ultimately, you felt like the goddamn Batman!

    So the second Batman game from developers Rocksteady, entitled Arkham City, was hailed with both great enthusiasm and curiosity, as people wondered where exactly they could go from there. The answer was into the streets of Gotham itself...in a manner of speaking.

   Batman’s home town has always been a mixture of dark gothic architecture from the past, mixed in with a decayed and sordid vision of the future. Arkham Asylum nailed the gothic quota in spades, so naturally Arkham City leans more to the decayed end of the spectrum. The heavily walled super prison in which Batman finds himself imprisoned is fully utilised by Rocksteady, and is filled with buildings and references to places famous in Batman lore. For example, the game begins with an incarcerated Bruce Wayne climbing the Ace Chemicals building, where a long time ago a small time crook fell into a vat of chemicals before re-emerging as the hero’s arch enemy.

     This very much sets the tone for a game filled with references and nods to the hero’s rich history. The cast roster is filled with allies of Batman helping him bring peace to Gotham, but their number pales in comparison to the number of villains he must face. Given the eclectic assortment of wrongdoers is another reason for the dark knight’s popularity, it is perhaps natural that Rocksteady saw fit to cram in as many as they possibly could without making the disc ten inches thick.

      While undoubtedly fan pleasing, it comes at a price. Arkham Asylum excelled by focusing on a hand-picked few villains with the Joker as ringleader. With so many villains jostling for your attention many are reduced to mere cameo appearances, some don’t get the screen time they should and others struggle to fit in. And Hugo Strange doesn’t really fulfil the role of big baddie as effectively as Joker did in the first game, and once again the clown prince of crime is the star of the show in the parts where he does appear.

    This doesn’t detract from what is otherwise a very cohesive and dark story that truly befits the main hero. Moreover it is encouraging to see Rocksteady taking creative risks with the property, unafraid to kill off characters that have been big players in the universe for years to fit the story they want to tell. And while death rarely lasts forever in superhero fiction, it is nice to see a bold approach that sets this game apart from the official continuity, similar to Christopher Nolan in his Dark Knight films.

    This is not the only reason the game zips along at a lightning pace. You Kapow, Biff and Thwack your way from massive set piece to another, one moment clearing a room of goons, the next swinging from rafters as you avoid the gazes of henchmen armed to the teeth with rifles and grenades. There is a lot more variety in the enemies that you face, and even the common yobbo’s change their outfits depending on which supervillain they pledge their allegiance to.

    Combat in the first game was so fluid that Rocksteady could have easily just rested on their laurels. But to their absolute credit they have ladened Batman with even more moves to enhance the experience further. Gadgets can be thrown into combos a lot easier, and a fresh set of melee attacks breaks up the sometimes monotonous task of dislocating one shoulder after the other. The stealth sections too see a wealth of new options for picking off baddies one at a time. This increases your flexibility and presents you with plenty of backside kicking options. No longer is there only one way of taking an enemy down, now there are several. And each fresh technique has their use as enemies continually get wise to your tactics and bring gadgets of their own to the party.

    These lead up to the boss fights, a disappointing feature of the first game. Not because of their lack of ambition, rather because of how they revolved around simply stunning each villain with a batarang before leaping in for the kill. Rocksteady have listened to the critics, and the bosses this time require a mix of techniques and gadgets to bring them down. Batman’s more physically imposing foes are saved for such occasions, and often appear just when you least expect them. The final battle, without spoiling too much, is a really unexpected affair, leaving you wondering afterwards whether you have actually defeated the last boss or not. Often it is harder to tell when a game is about to finish, as opposed to a book or film where you know when you are about to reach the climax. Yet it is worth noting just how effectively Arkham City builds to a climax without you realising until it is almost too late.

    The main game is a decent length in its own right, but the countless unlockables and side missions mean there is a huge amount to do even once the story is over. Riddler trophies are back, this time serving a decent story telling purpose as opposed to just being there to irritate you. Finding them all will take some patience, as much down to their number as to their trickiness, but the rewards of extra missions and back story segments make it worth it. Throw in a number of side missions featuring lesser known characters and villains, and the chance to play a more difficult version of the game with all your gadgets and moves in place upon first completion, and you have a package well worth the full retail price. And that’s not mentioning the Catwoman missions/DLC, which offer a welcome distraction despite the inconsistent timings in between appearances. The chance to experiment on goons with a unique character to Batman is a sign of where the future of this franchise may reside.

    But for now, we have a sequel that well and truly stands shoulder to shoulder with its predecessor. It is a fantastic fusion of what made the first game so powerful, and shining example of what happens when a developer builds these foundations with one ear to their fans wishes. Arkham City is very recognisably the offspring of Arkham Asylum, yet with its setting and fresh approach to combat it sometimes feels totally different. This is no bad thing, and helps to refine a gem that was already well cut in the first place. Ultimately, whether you prefer this over the first game will depend on what preference you have for Batman as a hero. Do you prefer him skulking through shadowy gothic belfries to save the day, or swooping down from a building top into a decrepit alleyway to save the day? Both have their place, and both are undoubtedly, and unashamedly, Batman. And it is to Rocksteady’s credit how well they have realised this.         

Mr Honeybunch

Here's a very short story I whipped out in an hour just now, as a sort of writing exercise. Please enjoy!

Barry greedily licked his lips as the bag slowly made its way around the luggage claim conveyor belt. So far so good. He’d made it past customs and immigration without being arrested or questioned. Now all he had to do was amble through the nothing to declare zone, and he would be set for life. All that remained was for him to reclaim his luggage.

    “Mummy, mummy, there it is, there’s our bag!” he heard a young girl squeal just seconds before she ran into him with the baggage trolley. He grunted in pain as the metal frame collided with the back of his calf, almost knocking him to the floor.

    “Will you calm down Heaven!” her mum ordered in an almost pleading tone. Turning to Barry the suntanned middle aged woman said, “I’m so, so sorry.”

    “It’s alright,” Barry smiled while trying to not to wince. “I know how much of a handful kids can be.”

    “Oh they always pick the right moments to go hyper. She’s just excited because I promised she could pull the bag off the conveyor belt.”

    “It’s alright mum I already got it,” said an older boy, presumably the lady’s son.

   “Nooooooo Damien it was my turn!” Heaven whined.

    “Shut up Heaven it doesn’t matter!” Damien moaned.

    “Pack it in the pair of you!” their mum hissed. After one last look at Barry she tried pulling the trolley away, until her kids commenced a battle to see who could put their bag on it first.

   Barry returned his gaze to the conveyor and saw his dark blue holdall had almost reached him. He grasped the handles and with an expertly timed tug lifted it off. Wasting no time he made his way to the exit. He passed no more than three security guards and two immigration officials, but none of them stopped him. Soon he was passing by taxi drivers with names on cardboard and gaggles of jumping, waving families. He had done it. He was free.

    His head still spinning from what he had achieved, the airport terminal seemed to whiz past as he walked to the pick-up point. But he was immediately brought back to earth when he saw the jet black land rover parked down to the right. Clasping the holdall tighter than anything he had ever held, he ran over, opened the door and slid into the back seat. The car was pulling away before he even had chance to put on his seatbelt.

   “Well done mate!” said notorious east end gangster Lionel Smart from the front seat, his gold covered teeth on display as a result of how much he was grinning. “Well bloody done. And those mugs said it was impossible.”

   “Nah, it was like taking candy from a baby. I was just worried it wouldn’t get on the plane. Can’t believe the X-rays didn’t pick it up.”

    “Simply a case of slipping a backhand to some check in clerks at the other end,” Lionel cackled, rubbing his tattooed hands. “Come on, let’s have a gander!” Barry couldn’t stop smiling as he unzipped the holdall, not wanting to keep his boss waiting any longer.

    But when the first thing he saw was a teddy bear with a heart shaped nose, he secretly wished he’d kept the bag shut.

   “Where’s My Honeybunch?” Heaven demanded, stamping her feet and pouting angrily.

    “In my blue holdall right at the top! Now grab your toy and leave me in peace!” her mum ordered, delicately cradling her cup of tea. Immediately looking brighter, Heaven skipped out the room leaving her mum in the company of Auntie Babs.

    “They didn’t drive you too mad on the trip did they Cathy?” Auntie Babs laughed, over the sound of Damien’s heavy rock music forcing its way through the ceiling.

    With a stressed sounding sigh Cathy replied, “I don’t know what to do with them. You know she almost crippled some bloke at the airport with a trolley. Anyway they’re off for a holiday with their dad next week. Going to the Greek islands apparently, probably out of all the money he should be paying me in child support.”

    “Well seems you missed all sorts of excitement. You know there was a massive bank robbery in Madrid just before you left?”

    “Really?”

    “Yeah, over five million pounds worth of diamonds stolen by armed gunmen, hostages taken and everything. Radio says there’s a ten thousand euro reward for any information leading to their recovery.”

    “Oh well a girl can dream eh?”

     “Mummy I still can’t find Mr Honeybunch!” Heaven wailed while stomping downstairs.

    “For goodness sake Heaven. I said he’s at the top of my bag,” Cathy sighed in exasperation, as a toyless Heaven burst in through the kitchen door holding a small velvet bag.

     “But I checked the top of your bag mummy! All I found was this bag of shiny stones.” Heaven outstretched her arm to show off her latest find, but was clutching the bag at the bottom, allowing the hundreds of tiny diamonds to fall out and scatter over the tiled kitchen floor.

   Heaven looked at the mess, then looked at the stunned faces of her mum and auntie, and then said nervously, “Sorry mummy.”

Copyright Michael Foster 2012