When Santa saved the President's daughter

A quick seasonal treat I whipped out. A little something involving Santa going all Rambo as he get's involved in the old, 'They've kidnapped the President's daughter,' ploy. The names of Santa's elves are actually based on the names given to them by the tourist company that took me and my family to Lapland a couple of years ago.

Anyway happy reading, and Merry Christmas to you all!

When Santa saved the President’s daughter

Santa felt his stomach rumble as it digested his 11,356,909^th mince pie of the night, his head slightly woozy from the 11,356,909^th glass of sherry. Yet neither sensation dimmed the happiness he felt in his heart. Christmas Eve once again, his favourite night of the year. Once again he was halfway across the globe, far from his cosy fireplace at the North Pole, delivering presents to all the good little boys and girls. He gave the reins an enthusiastic tug, and his reindeer snorted in approval as they galloped across the sparkling night sky.

     “Elf Snowy Bowy to Santa, come in please,” a high pitched voice crackled over the radio.

     “Evening Snowy Bowy!” Santa replied heartily. “Tell the missus to get the curry ordered. I’m making record time tonight!”

    “Well about that. You may want to listen to the call Speedy Sam intercepted a few minutes ago.”

    Santa pressed a button on his state of the art radio receiver he had recently installed into his sleigh, changing the frequency as his elves replayed the message. He soon heard a man speaking on the phone, their voice malicious, dastardly and downright unchristmassy. “Evening Mr President. Are you wondering why your daughter Angie failed to make her flight this evening? Here, I’ll let her explain it for you...”

    “Hlllpp mmmm dddd!”

     “Hope you can understand her through all the tape I put over her lips. If you want her to live to see another Christmas, you will do exactly what we want. We will contact you with our list of demands shortly.” With that the line went dead.

    Santa was filled with a fury that burned more intense than any fireplace. How dare they kidnap the President’s daughter and use her to hold the country hostage...ON CHIRSTMAS EVE! The cheek of it all!

    He made up his mind, and with a crack of the reigns he made the reindeer change direction. “Trace that call Snowy Bowy!” he instructed down the radio. “I’ve got a seasonal holiday to save!”

       Angie tugged at the tape wrapped around her wrists, fixing them to the arms of the chair she was sat in. Whimpering through the tape over her mouth she gazed anxiously at the balaclava clad men prowling through the abandoned warehouse where she was being held. She watched as two of these men walked over to the ringleader, also wearing a balaclava but well over six feet tall. The men wrung their hands nervously, until one cleared their throat and squeaked, “Excuse me boss.”

    “What is it Henchman 3?” the Boss asked exasperatedly.

    “Well it’s just, you know, we all put a lot of effort in to this plot of yours. You know, grabbing the girl at the airport and duping the secret services...”

     “Is this going anywhere Henchman 3?”

     “Well me and the lads were thinking...well...can we have a Christmas bonus?”

    The Boss’s eyes glared at the men through his Balaclava, before he roared, “A bonus?!?”

    The second man quickly interjected, “Not if you don’t want to, but it is Christmas Eve, and my kid would really like one of those Iphones, and they’re expensive on a henchman’s salary...”

     “Silence Henchman 5! We’ll discuss this in more detail once the President has complied with my demands. Now get back to patrolling your post around the chimney!”

     Henchman 3 and Henchman 5 looked at each other in confusion. “What chimney boss?” Henchman 3 asked.

    “For the love of...That one right there!” the Boss snapped, pointing directly behind them.

    Henchman 5 gulped as he looked at the old fashioned brickwork chimney in the centre of the warehouse, with a roaring fire lighting the surrounding area and stockings hanging from the mantelpiece. “You mean the old fashioned chimney that’s just appeared out of thin air?” he asked tentatively.

   The henchmen all gathered around the chimney in astonishment, wondering how and why a chimney stack could be brought into existence in the blink of an eye. As soot started falling from it they took a tentative step back, before raising their rifles towards the fireplace, preparing for whatever might emerge from within it.

    Suddenly a thick cloud of grey ash billowed from the chimney, completely coating the area with an impenetrable cloud of dust, completely limiting their vision. They coughed and spluttered as they breathed in the ash, which allowed them all to be picked off one by one by a large shadowy figure as it moved effortlessly through the dark smoke.

    Angie, the Boss, Henchman 3 and Henchman 5 all stood outside the cloud, watching and listening in amazement as the cries of the stranded criminals were one by one silenced by a dull thudding sound. The two henchmen loaded their guns, wondering just what kind of person they were dealing with.

    They got their answer swiftly as out of the smoke walked a jolly fat man dress all in red and white. His white beard was bushy and thick, in each hand he held a sharpened candy cane, and he wore night vision goggles over his eyes.

    “Ho ho ho,” Santa snarled through the cigarette in his mouth, glaring at the three criminals gawping at him.

    Henchman 3 and Henchman 5 lost their nerve and fired their semi automatic rifles. But Santa was ready for their attack, and countered it with a magical wink. The two men could only watch as instead of bullets, they fired corks attached to string, which shot forward before dangling uselessly from the end of their rifles. Santa retaliated swiftly, hurling the candy canes at Henchman 5. Each sweet caught the sleeves of his jacket, and momentum dragged him back against the wall of the building. The canes embedded themselves into the brickwork, pinning the startled goon by his arms and leaving him helpless.

   Henchman 3 ran forward to attack, but quick as a flash Santa prepared his next trick. From a holster in his belt he withdrew a child’s water pistol and fired. Henchman 3 was coated in so much water that he was dripping wet. Then with another magical wink a fierce arctic wind whipped up, rattling the window panes of the warehouse until they shattered. A torrent of snow and ice flew in and engulfed the hapless criminal. His drenched clothes started to crystallize and freeze, until Henchman 3 was trapped in a giant snowballs placed on top of each other like a snowman, with only his head poking free.    

    Santa heard a muffled shriek, and whirled around to see the Boss with his arm wrapped around Angie’s neck, pressing a knife against her cheek. “Not another move Pere Noel, or the girl gets carved up like a Christmas goose!” he sneered.

    “Hhhlllpp pplllsss!” Angie pleaded; her eyes wide with fear as they stared at her would be rescuer.

     Santa paused, not wanting to alarm the Boss with any sudden movements, silently muttered into the mic pressed into his right ear, “Snowy Bowy, send in Red Rascal!”

    “Don’t try anything funny Chris Cringle!” the Boss barked.

    Santa glared at him with a look of righteous, Christmassy fury. “No-one calls me Chris Cringle and gets away with it, except for my wife and Gloria Taylor, who I dated in my senior year of high school!”

     “What can you do about it? You’ve got no tricks left, surrender now!”

    At the sound of jingling bells from outside, Santa’s frown turned into a smile. “Sorry, but I don’t surrender to boys on the naughty list. NOW RED RASCAL!”

    At his command a galloping reindeer flew through the already shattered window, its hooves clattering against the floor as it came into land. The reindeer stood proud and tall as it gazed at the Boss, its nose glowing a fierce red, which gradually became fiercer and fiercer until the entire room was bathed in its dazzling radiance. The Boss cried out as the light hurt his eyes, falling away from Angie. This allowed Santa, his eyes protected by the night vision goggles, to dart across and shield her eyes with his gloved hands.

    Turning to face the dazzled crook Santa exclaimed, “Funny thing about Rudolph, is that he’s got a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it...”

   “BURNS!” the Boss howled. “The light, it burns my eyeballs!” He stumbled backwards, closer and closer to the broken window until he caught his foot and toppled over. With an anguished cry he fell through the window, tumbling out of sight.

    Until he suddenly bounced back up again, then fell down again, then bounced up, then fell. Santa ran over to the window to see the boss being propelled up off an enchanted bouncy castle, placed there by none other than elves Speedy Sam and Noisy Nod. They saluted Santa from the ground below, which Santa returned thankfully. “That should keep you occupied until the police arrive!” He bellowed triumphantly at the Boss.”

    “I’ll get you for WEEEEEEEE this Santa. Just you WEEEEEEEE wait!” the Boss yelled, unable to decide whether he was enjoying the enchanted bouncy castle or engulfed by rage.

     Santa turned to see Rudolph had already sheared the tape binding Angie to the seat with his antlers. She stood up tentatively, pulling the tape away from her mouth. Then when sure she was now safe she ran forward and embraced Santa’s jolly red form tightly. “Thank you so much Santa, how can I ever thank you?” she asked happily.

    “Saving the damsel in distress and preserving the joy of Christmas, is all the thanks I need,” Santa beamed at her.

      When she pulled out of her embrace she had a slightly nervous look on her face. “Er, about that naughty list. Those plants I smoked at College, I like had no idea what they would do, I swear.”

    “Given your ordeal I think I can overlook it. Let’s get you home. Come Rudolph!”

    The red nosed reindeer snorted in approval, cantering over to them boisterously. Santa aided Angie as she sat up on Rudolph’s back, before he sat down behind her and took hold of the reigns. “To the White House Rudolph, and with all due speed!” he yelled.

    Rudolph reared onto his hind legs, before he began charging to the window as he prepared for takeoff. Then with a mighty leap he was airborne, carrying the whooping Angie and Santa into the crisp Christmas Eve air. They flew through the night in the direction of Washington, and I can assure you all that from that point on they all had a very merry Christmas.

    Apart from when they were shot at by the FBI. But that’s a story for another year.  

Copyright Michael Foster 2012

The Legend of Zelda - Skyward Sword - Review

The Zelda series is one that does not need a complete overhaul. Given the major aesthetic changes and time span between each instalment, every new title manages to feel fresh, yet remain comfortingly familiar. It’s like each time you prep Link for a new adventure, you’re slipping into a favourite pair of comfortable old shoes. But perhaps the one thing Nintendo had to do with Zelda is reintroduce a sense of surprise.

        Each home console Zelda since the famous Ocarina of Time has followed a very familiar pattern. Start out from humble beginnings, explore the new overworld, beat some baddies, have a massive plot twist, beat some more baddies, job done. While it is a system that has served the series very well in the past, it led many to wonder whether Nintendo would ever dare to stray away from the formula again. Their questions have been swiftly answered, as Skyward Sword is more than simply stepping into a favourite pair of comfortable shoes. It’s stepping into a pair of comfortable shoes which have recently been resoled, washed and made as good as new.

      Things start out familiarly enough, with an unsuspecting Link waking up from a terrifying nightmare and made to scrabble about his hometown completing various tasks. At the same time we are introduced to the most vibrant cast of characters to have graced Link’s world since Majora’s Mask, such as the legend that is Groose. Heading them up is Zelda herself, this incarnation of her a playful, adventurous and energetic adolescent, a popular village girl as opposed to a pampered princess, with an obsession for pushing Link off of high ledges. The opening takes a while, much like Twilight Princess, but is much more enjoyable thanks to some witty dialogue and good pacing between the tasks.

     Before long you can take to the skies in your Loftwing, and the overworld is yours to explore. The sky is similar to the Great Sea in The Wind Waker, but much more condensed. At the centre of all of this is Skyloft, a hub where you can carry out all your shopping and sidequesting in one convenient place. Again, not since Majora’s Mask has a town in Zelda been so central to the plot, and felt so alive as a result. A pity the rest of the sky is filled mostly with floating barren rocks which only become filled with treasure once special cubes have been activated on the surface.

   It is the surface where the greatest changes to the tried and tested Zelda system come into play. It is split into three distinct and diverse regions, each with their own enemies, puzzles and populace. Devoid of human habitation, it truly feels like you are treading ground no-one has walked before. It’s like you’re experiencing the genesis of the Zelda universe, and the world underneath the clouds is an Eden in need of a hero. In gameplay terms, they serve as precursors to the traditional Zelda dungeons, presenting you with plenty of travelling, puzzles and combat before the main course of the dungeons is reached.

    The combat has been talked of the most in preceding hype, with the motionplus controls offering what many of us dreamed we would see when the Wii was first unveiled. By and large, it works very well. It takes a long while to get used to, and in the early stages you are tempted to resort to wild and futile waggling, with the game punishing you for doing this. With many enemies relying on precise swipes of your sword, you have to learn to be patient, and take your time to aim each slice as opposed to expecting the game to sort your problems out for you. The swordplay is very well realised, with glitches very few and far between, and overall immensely satisfying to use. Link’s usual massive inventory is used to maximise motion controls, with mixed results. Items such as the flying beetle and whip work brilliantly. Others do not, for example bombs, where you are presented with the option to throw or roll them on the ground. It should work flawlessly, but it does not, as one slightly frustrating boss battle proves.

     Yet while many expected the controls to provide the surprise needed to keep the series fresh, it is the way the story unfolds that provides the greatest change. The usual pre-dungeon story exposition followed by dungeon routine is pushed to the limit. The lead up to the big monster infested areas feature a variety of perils and solutions, with only a few constants such as the excellent Silent Realm challenges. The dungeons themselves are a mixed bag of standard forest/lava/water temples, and excellent jaunts through time shifting mines and ships stranded on sand dunes. A far cry from the brilliance of Twilight Princesses last few dungeons, but they stand very strongly on their own.

    Nintendo have made a great deal out of the series 25^th anniversary, and you sense they have not forgotten this fact with a game that is jam packed with references to previous titles, some of which only the most diehard fans will recognise. The games story you feel is particularly fan friendly, delving into the events leading up to every prior title, and explaining the circular nature of the Link, Zelda and Ganondorf triangle. You sense other elements have been included to specially cater to fan circles, such as the strongest indications yet of Link and Zelda having the hots for each other. Dialogue once again zips between the witty and the poetic, and while no Zelda is ever going to enter War and Peace territory, it is very enjoyable witnessing the story unfold. Though it is high time the series experimented with voice acting.

    Once again Nintendo radically overhauled the graphical style from the last game, combining the cartoonish graphics from the Wind Waker with the realism of Twilight Princess, and it seems finally Nintendo have hit a style they feel comfortable with. The animations are slick and the locations bright and vibrant. The almost effortless way the characters show emotion and react to each other requires no need for HD graphics, and once again you have to commend Nintendo for making such a beautiful game on dated hardware. The soundtrack, finally featuring a lot of full orchestration, is very strong, with bombastic melodies, haunting ballads and replays of old classics intertwining among each other perfectly.

    You may have noticed that I have referenced previous Zelda’s quite a bit, though that is perhaps to be expected given the weight of the series history pressing down on Skyward Sword’s shoulders. Yet it is a game that manages to tread the line between looking to the future and embracing the past, and it does so with terrific confidence. It does not rewrite Zelda into a completely new game, yet it breaks enough ground to stand apart. The inclusions of a fast item change, a limited number of pouches for additional items, and a comprehensive upgrade and treasure hunting system changes the sense of progression greatly. It adds plenty of additional tasks for you to complete, as well as finally giving you plenty of trinkets to spend your rupees on.

    This is a confident step forward for Zelda, and there is barely a stumble back. It is another fantastic entry into one of the strongest series in gaming, and if future instalments follow its lead then it will remain in rude health for many years. The lack of hype surrounding it is staggering when you consider what a joy it is to play, and I can assure those that fear this is just another Zelda that it is more than that. It is most definitely a Zelda though, and once again presents you an adventure that grips you from beginning to end. Where Link travels to from here no-one but Nintendo knows, but Skyward Sword proves beyond any doubt that no-one else adventures quite like him.  

Continued Conversations

So I came up with a game today. When at work catch a snippet of someones conversation and then try and come up with what might have followed. The parts in bold are actual parts of conversations between customers at the cafe today, which makes them funny in their own right. Hope you enjoy how I've butchered them.

“So the end of the Stravinsky was just wonderful, it was a pure musical kaleidoscope of rhythm and contrasting chords. And the way the brass section built on that incredible crescendo for the climax made my hairs stand on end.”

     “Well thank you Damien for that fantastic suggestion. You’re listening to the all request evening here on Radio One. Up next, Cindi from Essex has requested the entire Bach Brandenburg Concerto No.5, so stay tuned.”

  “So he’s stuck with team happy downstairs from now on.”

   “I thought he was with team indifferent now?”

    “No he thought he was going to them after he finished working with team bashful. He would much rather work for them, though he wouldn’t mind working with team enthusiastic if he was offered a place.”

     “Still could be worse. He could be part of team nonchalant...bunch of sick twats.”

   “What’s your maiden name?”

   “Oh it’s Cornelius.”

    “Bit of a weird name to have had before you got married.”

     “How dare you. I’ll have you known Jane Austen was previously Jane Fitzwilliam before her marriage. Then there’s Emily Bronte, or Emily Benedictus as she previously known. And the great Agatha Christie’s birth name happened to be Agatha Perceville Wilberforce Huntington Smith, I’ll have you known.

    “Ok, ok, you made your point.”

    “He doesn’t know the difference between a mince pie and a Christmas cake.”

    “Is that so, well that is disappointing.”

     “I know Santa, and Elf Snowball had done so well up to that point. I mean he flew through the toy making practical.”

    “I know, but I can only employ the best elves in my workshop, and there’s no place for those that fail the written exam. Still, at least he has the filming of the Hobbit to fall back upon.”